unknown comic Funny Status Messages

   People think I'm uncoordinated until they see me get out of a hammock and then they know "uncoordinated" isn't a strong enough word.

   I got caught in the rain once. Apparently you have to bring your own piña coladas.

   Every musical should have a minor character that's aware of all the music and dancing and is visibly terrified.

   If you're last name is Walker and you aren't a Texas ranger, I'll assume you have disgraced your family by choosing another profession.

   I asked what to bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I'm bringing a wireless router.

   I'm sorry I dropped your baby when the theme from Friends came on and I had to clap along.

   Fun party hosting tip: Put dozens of extra coats on the bed. When guests ask where everyone else is, laugh maniacally & change the subject.

   "For birthdays, someone will blow air and spit on candles and a cake. Then—hear me out—people will eat it." -- the guy that invented birthday parties

   Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too

   People who try to test my patience don't realize it's an exam I don't plan on passing

   As a little joke I put glitter in my tax-return envelope and the IRS responded with a little joke that I owe $ 11,000 in back taxes.

   Promise me that when you leave Facebook, you guys will tell me where you're going, unlike that time you all ditched me on MySpace.

   just cracked open a book or as I like to call it "a beer"

   "Your word is 'ouija'" -could you use that in a seance?

   FACT: A baby is basically just a meatloaf that can look around a bit

   Anyone know how long we are supposed to "Shake It Off"? Taylor never specified and frankly I'm exhausted!

   Felt my phone vibrate in my back pocket. Looked over and saw my phone on the table. Afraid to check my back pocket.

   Please enjoy my TED Talk, "Turn Signals: They're How You Tell Other Drivers What the Heck You're Doing"

   if you're a tailor and your shop's name isn't "Britches get stitches" then what's the point?

   I wanna get rich enough to say to someone "nonsense, you can stay in our guest house"