mtq Funny Status Messages

   Labor Day, when we briefly pause from demonizing unions to enjoy mattress sales in their honor.

   All hot women should be seen in 3-D. That's my apartment #. 3-D.

   I met a farmer who genetically altered a chicken to have six legs so his kids didn't fight over the drumsticks. I asked him how it tasted. He said he didn't know. He couldn't catch it.

   The Doctor advised me to eat more spinach. He said it'd put color in my cheeks. Who wants green cheeks?

   My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

   Vini, Vedi, Velcro... I came, I saw, I stuck around.

   A guy from the Saw Mill runs to the Doctor. He screams, "Help me, Doc! I just sawed off all my fingers!" The Doc says, "Calm down, we can reattach them, where are they?" "I AIN"T GOT EM!" "How come?" The guy goes, "I COULDN'T PICK 'EM UP."

   No matter what I do, I cannot get any kudos from my girlfriend. If I walked on water she'd say, "What, you can't swim?"

   3 Tampons are walking down the street, Maxi, Slim, and Ultra. Which one says "Hello"? None, they're all stuck up c**ts!!!

   Where are all these hot women in actual real life that I see on facebook?

   Man, I could go for some mechanically separated chicken right about now.

   Q.) What's the speed limit of s3x? A.) 68 because at 69 you have to turn around.

   I had a terrible dream last night. I was a baby and Dolly Parton was my mom and she bottle fed me.

   How many alcoholics does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to hold the bulb, and one to drink until the room starts spinning.

   Facebook has Peter Principled. It has risen to its own level of incompetence. The cracks are in the foundation. It's doomed. Remember MySpace? Come to think of it. Neither do I.

   If you plan on meeting someone on facebook who has no pictures on their profile page. A word of caution. Better you should bury your face in Rosie O'Donnell's a$$ for 6 hours, than hook up with that monster.

   I have a toothache. Sorta. Some chick with loose teeth was giving me skull and bit me. There's a bicuspid implanted in my c*ck.

   Just once, can you get the weather forecast right, weather fuc*ers?

   Please stand on your head now. Hurry. 370HSSV 0773H

   All this time I thought Bi-Polar was big white bear with no sexual preference.