hihuggiehi Funny Status Messages

   For Christmas I gave myself an obscene amount of vodka. I'm so thoughtful.

   Merry Christmas! Or as my grandma always says, "there are whispers coming from the poinsettia again."

   Christmas - when loved ones visit to celebrate someone born in a barn but complain that your sofabed's uncomfortable.

   I just want a Christmas like we used to have with all of us together pretending we're enjoying it.

   I don't know if getting everything I want would make me happy, but the opposite is not working at all.

   Whenever there's an awkward silence, try whispering, "Did you forget your line?"

   I wish there was an observation deck at WalMart.

   There's nothing more awkward then asking "who is this" when getting a heartfelt holiday text.

   I'm not saying you're easy, but when I look up something to do in your town it gives me your address.

   Kids complaining they didn't get an iPhone for Christmas or got one in the wrong color is exactly why other countries hate us.

   My New Year's resolution is to spend more time wishing my enemies were dead.

   Christmas is a good time to realize that not all your family are relatives, and not all your relatives are family.

   Just once, I wish WebMD would tell me "relax...it's only gas".

   The brawl at the Mall of America says more about our country than any five history books ever could.

   There's no better reminder to visit your dentist than a trip to Walmart.

   Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else

   I think about running away from home more often as an adult than I ever did when I was a kid.

   Just got legitimately excited when I remembered I can pay a person to drive a pizza to my house

   You say drug dealer, I say illegal happiness entrepreneur.

   Strong just means you suck up the pain better not that it doesn't hurt.