flinnie Funny Status Messages

   When people ask if they can get me anything, I always ask for a jetpack.

   Its hard to work when the theme song to the Gummi Bears cartoon is running through your head

   I bet the "YMCA" dance is a lot harder to do in different languages

   Did you know birthday cake is the only food you can blow on and spit on and everybody still rushes to get a piece?

   hey if tomorrow is the rapture could one of you atheists stop by and feed my dog? Feel free to help yourself to my prescription pills and booze

   I'm really going to crap my pants today if there is an apocalypse. Of course, I might just crap them anyhow, regardless what happens.

   My supervisor told me "I like working with you. You're the only one I can have a interlectrical conversation with". I don't know if I should feel honored, or ashamed that this man is my boss

   just saw a homeless guy blasting Nickleback on his radio, proving that listening to Nickelback leads to homelessness

   I hate having to hold my wife's purse when she's buying shoes, especially when she's buying them on Zappos!

   every time I come home after being around another dog, mine looks at me like I cheated on him

   Was anyone else hoping that the final Oprah show would include wearing tracksuits, taking poison and waiting for the mother ship to appear?

   Don't shoot the messenger. Unless his message is that he's going to stab you next week.

   I won't take a bullet for ANYONE because if I have time to jump in front of a bullet, you have time to move.

   If it wasn't for professional wrestling the companies that make metal trash cans would go out of business

   How would you even go about putting 99 bottles of beer on the wall in the first place?

   I was pretty sure that at this point in my career, I would have henchmen by now

   I don't often use violence on my coworkers. But when I do, I prefer the pimp slap. Stay frosty my friends.

   Looking for a new job. One that I can sit at a long table, take off my glasses, and say "If your calculations are correct...my God have mercy on our souls" Pay negotiable

   In 50 years, a bunch of 80 year-olds will know all the words to Ice Ice Baby.

   When I hear you say: "We need to work together." What I hear is you saying" "I'm not smart enough to complete this task."