ef Funny Status Messages

   I wrap all my Christmas gifts in bubble wrap.....it's like giving two gifts in one!

   Oh com'on Kim Jong everyone has a ''funny uncle'' in the family....don't you think the firing squad was a little harsh???

   Snow in Egypt! In the dessert! Global warming strikes again!....Al Gore refuses comment

   Kanye West?......I've never heard of her!

   Monopoly has come out with a new version of its board game to commemorate President Obama.....all the properties have half their value and the money has been replaced with foodstamps

   It would be so much more ''festive" if UPS and FEDEX guys dressed as Santa while delivering packages during the holiday season

   Whenever I hear the Christmas song about "nuts roasting on an open fire" I cringed. My wife plays that song over and over when she's mad at me..... even if it's in July

   Every family has a relative that they would prefer to keep hidden during the Holidays. If you think your family doesn't have one...Trust me it is YOU!

   Hopefully Kim Jong Un will mistake Dennis Rodman for his other uncle

   Life is all about deciding how much crazy you can live with.

   The Mega Millions jackpot is now up to $586 million. The odds of winning are 1 in 259 million. Those are the same odds of Tony Romo throwing a pass to his own teammate in the fourth quarter.

   The office Christmas party is a great opportunity to catch up with people you haven't seen for half an hour...

   I bought a Christmas tree today and the guy asked me 'Will you be putting it up yourself?' I told him, 'No, you sicko, it's going in the living room!'

   The Dr. who had examined my wife when she was rushed to the Emergency Room, pulled me aside and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.' I said 'Me neither doc,' ......'But she's a great cook and good with the kids.'

   The Scariest Horror Movies of All Time 1. The Exorcist 2. Psycho 3. The View on ABC

   I have this great midnight snack it's called, what do I think my roommate won't notice if I eat the edges off of

   A&E has just announced the replacement show for Duck Dynasty the new show will be Dyke Dynasty.

   Right now a FedEx driver is dropkicking your Christmas gift onto someone's front porch.

   One thing awesome about my childhood was being able to play with a 'toy' gun without the authorities getting involved.

   I don't know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beer.