bob Funny Status Messages

   Since casino commercials abruptly end with "gambling problem, call 1-800gambler"......why don't booze commercials end with "drinking problem, call 1-800guzzler" ?

   Don't know who's happier, the gay community or the ABA

   Substitute " My ass" for "This girls" on fire and you're welcome Preparation H for your new ad campaign.

   I wish these kids would stop crying. I won the Eater egg hunt fair and square.

   I don't know how the law of averages works, but you'd think after 25yrs of marriage I'd be right at least once??........bOb

   Sitting in a busy parkink lot tooting my horn when I see someone pressing their remote looking for their car.

   If you're looking for a good Trump pee joke, Urine Luck

   Patriots are going to the Superbowl....The NFL is going to assign someone to check Tom Brady's balls throughout the game....don't want that on my resume

   I can think of one group of workers who are doing much better under this Trump presidency....comedians

   "Spring Ahead" this weekend for Daylight Saving Time proves there is a much quicker way than Facebook to lose an hour in your life....

   The only thing worse than being stuck behind someone driving less than the speed limit is being the passenger of someone driving less than the speed limit.

   if you shave off your arm hair and it grows back to the exact same length, does that mean its twice as long as it was?

   The goal keeper in soccer is allowed to pick up the ball...so why doesn't he just pick it up and just run across the field to the other goal?

   Checked with my Sperm Bank to see my deposit was getting any interest..sadly they said Zero.

   If anyone is interested, I'll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 5 p.m. until security escorts me out the door.

   I was walking on the beach yesterday when I noticed this guy in the ocean splashing around and yelling " shark, help, shark!!" I just laughed, I knew that shark wasn't going to help him.

   It's really cold out there folks. If you're heading out to Walmart, please wear two pairs of pajamas.

   OMG.... I hate waiting in lines... I wish this woman would hurry up and pick a suspect.

   As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I remind myself that you can't always trust Google Maps.

   I came home one day all proud as can be with my report card, I said to my mom, look I got a B in Reading, she said to me that's a D you moron!