Scottyp Funny Status Messages

   I would like to thank Jesus of Nazareth for the good deal I got on my tires and Jesus of Guatemala for the speedy service.

   I'm thinking about going out tonight, because after all, the Beastie Boys DID fight for my right to party....

   They say talking to yourself is a sign of mental illness. So I talk to the cat instead.

   Singing passionately in the shower: Pretty good idea. Dancing passionately in the shower: Not so much.

   I should have known that I had to much to drink tonight because I left the door open the whole time I was peeing. It might not sound that bad, but when you're driving 65 mph, it can cause all kinds of problems..

   Firetrucks & ambulances would be far more effective if they were to replace that annoying siren with the song "Move B*tch" by Ludacris

   If time is money, then I'm running out of time very quickly

   Dear cellphone companies: please invent a "unsend my text" option

   I really want a Klondike Bar, but I'm fresh out of ideas......

   I think I'm going to have my OCD support group meeting at my home today. If nothing else, at least my house will get cleaned...

   Just so all of my friends know, If I ever say the phrase "okie dokie artichokie" to you, it's a signal and means I've either been kidnapped or I'm wearing a wire. One of the two

   Money may not buy happiness but it can certainly improve the quality of your misery

   If I don't have my budget balanced by tomorrow--I am just going to shut down...

   It seems I have 3 personalities. One that has a plan, one that completely screws up the plan, and one that says "what the hell happened to the plan?"......

   Beware the disease Idiotitis. It causes the brain to shut down and the mouth to keep talking. Thousands are affected. May be contagious. Best defense: Just slap and run.

   Cats are really not all that bad...................It turns out, I've been cooking them wrong this whole time...

   Somehow, hitting the 'end call' button on the cell phone just doesn't feel nearly as good as the old days when you could slam the phone down on somebody.

   I just watched a mattress commercial where the lady said, "It feels really good, no matter what position I'm in".....Why can't I meet a woman like that????

   I slept like a baby last night,,,,of course minus the peeing and pooping on myself.......

   The cops came at my house last night and told me my dogs had been chasing someone on a scooter. I told them off. My dogs don't even have a scooter..