Mike M Funny Status Messages

   CNN just posed the question: "Who should get the Bin Laden bounty?" I don't want the dude's paper towels!

   They want us to think they're backpack leaf blowers but they're actually jetpacks... and THAT'S how they're getting across the boarder! 

   Guys don't post stuff like ☆ BEAUTIFUL☆ FATHER☆ AWARD ☆ on eachouther's walls with the whole ˙·٠•●♥ Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ ♥●•٠·˙ crap after it.  We show each other love by posting, "Dude, you're an ass!"  

   Guys don't post stuff like ☆ BEAUTIFUL☆ FATHER☆ AWARD ☆ on eachouther's walls with the whole ˙·٠•●♥ Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ ♥●•٠·˙ crap after it.  We show each other love by posting, "Dude, you're an A$$!"  

   Osama's diary found?  "Dear Diary, Had an OK day hiding here in the compound.  Watched some CNN.  2 of my 3 wives are on the rag, so that's a drag.  Well, that's all for now. Bye, Osama "

   Jack Bauer has 24 hrs. to stop the Christians from ending the world!

   I always feel a little guilty when I swallow my multi-vitamin with beer.

   I just let a disturbance in the force.

   You know methane gas is odorless right? That's why I add the odor to mine so you guys know if I have a leak!

   I say "Monday" like "Jerry Seinfeld says "Newman!"

   If I don't have time to make coffee, I pull out a nose hair instead.

   My mom knew I was a wild child the day I was born when I used my umbilical cord to bungie jump!

   I'm not into any sports. But I'll watch women's beach volleyball​ if it's on

   A snail goes into a car dealership​ and says, "I wanna buy a little car. And I want you to paint a big "S" on the side of it." Salesman says, "OK, but why?" Snail says, "So when I pass by people will say LOOK AT THAT LITTLE S-CAR GO!"

   Facebook is starting to remind me of my ex-wife... throwing things I said years ago back in my face.

   My girlfriend said, "I don't know if six inches is gonna be enough for me." Thank God we were at Subway when she said it!

   "Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounded by a$$holes." ~William Gibson

   You know that hole in the glass at the movie theater that you talk through to get your tickets? I think that's called an askhole.

   The guy in line in front of me has flowers, condoms, mints, deodorant, and Champagne. It's no secret what he's up to... Whereas my items are less revealing... toilet paper, Perpetration H, Imodium A-D, and stain remover.

   Why do meteorologists try and educate me on the workings of mother nature?  Dude, just tell me pants or shorts tomorrow...