Mick Funny Status Messages

   Twisted Personal Ads: SWM seeking SWF. Age, ethnicity and religion not important. Nymphomaniacal tendencies and chronic laryngitis are a plus. Please reply to Box OU692

   When your kid is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he's doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.

   The only reason I would take up jogging is so I could hear heavy breathing again.

   How we'll truly know when the economy has rebounded: When Reggae bands go back to hiring guys whose only job it is to dance.

   Don't give me this, "Just because I accepted your friend request, it doesn't mean I'm going to sleep with you" stuff. If I had wanted to sleep with you, it would've happened already.

   A Baby Whirlpool Bathtub "With a calming whirlpool and massaging bubbles, your infant will enjoy a luxurious spa experience at home!" (Hey, you never know when a 5 month old may need to unwind.)

   I've been wracking my brain trying to remember that movie where Joe Pesci plays a hot-tempered little tough guy.

   If I don't lose some weight, I'm gonna get one of those lap band things. Not the surgery. I mean I'll be able to fit The Stones on my lap.

   In United's defense, they only claimed the skies were friendly. They said nothing about what happens on the ground.

   Those who speak charismatically does not mean they speak the truth.

   Fun At The Office Tip: Eat an Easter egg on the Friday after Easter, then wait for the employees to start an office pool named, "What crawled up your a$$ and died?"

   Today is Earth Day. The best way celebrate it just came to me. I'm going to go outside and stare at the ground for a while.

   Q: What's Better Than A Rose On Your Piano? A: Tulips On Your Organ.

   Earth is a beautiful planet. However, it's the disproportionate number of its horrible 7.5 billion inhabitants that were responsible for it receiving only 1 star on Intergalactic Yelp.

   They say that inside every heavy person there's a thin person wanting to get out. I must have the entire cast of America's Next Top Model inside me.

   Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Except for imitation grape soda; real grapes have never quite gotten over that one..

   Fyre Festival Attendee: "I'll have a cheese sandwich." Fyre Festival Host: "Here you go, that'll be $1200.00." FF Attendee: "Hey, still cheaper than a sandwich at the airport."

   Pineapple on pizza is as appealing as pepperoni on pineapple upside-down cake.

   I have to go shopping. I got run over by a steam roller yesterday and need to get me a pair of size 200 x 14 pants.

   Girlfriend: Mick, I'm miserable in our relationship. Me: FOR REAL? Girlfriend: Yes. I can't sleep. I can't eat. I've lost 10 lbs. Me: So you're saying it's over? Girlfriend: Well, not yet. I wanna lose 15.