MBH Funny Status Messages

   I wonder how stupid people knew they were being stupid before the slap to the back of the head was invented?

   Sometimes late at night I rearrange traffic signs. People need to be challenged.

   If you can't say something nice, we're probably related.

   MTV has 'My Super Sweet 16' and 'When I Was 17.' What's next? 'Officer, I swear I thought she was 18?!'

   Sometimes all I'm really doing with my life is just trying to make it from one weekend to the next.

   Fun idea: No kids? Hire a babysitter anyway, say kid is asleep upstairs and not to be woken. When you get home later that evening, go mental and ask where the child has gone.

   Mr. Dentist you can b*tch at me all day to start flossing, but the truth is I'm more likely to watch Jersey Shore than I am to floss. I'd rather have a pincone shoved up my a$$ than watch jersey shore. So unless you've got a pinecone, stop wasting my time

   That psychic was terrible. She didn't even know I was going to run out without paying!

   Yeah, come on over we're just pre-gaming for the grocery store.

   Are there any workout programs that target the face? You really need one of those.

   So gingivitis isn't the fear of redheads?

   The fastest way to get ahold of a live person at AT&T is to scream obscenities at the voice prompts.

   When I get rich the first thing I'm going to do is to buy a new butt, because the one I have now has a crack in it.

   Obama says... It would be very helpful to me if the rest of you would please stop striving for excellence.

   I just got a job that pays .000002 million!!

   ... CAT RULE #2: Get plenty of sleep so you can play at 4am

   I'm never going to grow up. I'm just going to stop hiding what I do from my parents and start hiding it from my kids.

   When I was older I used to love playing around with time machines.

   Why do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and then a diet coke?

   I see myself as a huge fiery comet, a shooting star. Everyone stops, points up and says, "Oh look at that!" Then whoosh, and I'm gone... and they'll never see anything like it ever again... and they won't be able to forget me - ever.