M Funny Status Messages

   You're missing the point....and quite possibly a chromosome.

   My wife says "YOU'RE DRUNK!" like it is a bad thing.

   Ladies, the "honey do" list will get completed more completely and more enthusiastically if the last thing on the list is "get awesome BJ from wife."

   There is an 80% chance that 4 out of 5 experts will agree on any given question.

   Apple is now making incontinence products for the aging American consumer... iPEED will be on your store shelves soon.

   Glass half empty, glass half full...it really doesn't matter how you see it, all that matters is there is room to add more vodka to that glass.

   Just got back from a vacation in Nevada...turns out that money can by you love.

   High heels look best on a woman when the bottoms are pointing to the ceiling.

   Some of the most anxious times in my life has been the time it takes a dropped knife to hit the floor instead of lopping off one my toes.

   We didn't take a video recording of our child's birth but we have some awesome video of his conception.

   The first thing you should do if attacked by a grizzly bear is $hit your pants...okay, it wont help but you may as well make $hitting your pants the first thing to do because that is what's going to happen anyway.

   n't out government great...now thay have decided to shut down because they can't all agree on how to spend the imaginary money that has not even been printed yet.

   RuPaul's idea of a "drag race" is totally different than mine.

   If women really knew what men think, there would be restraining orders on all men.

   My wife has a low tolerance for alcohol when I am drinking it.

   I got fired from my job at the restaurant for putting a load in the dishwasher... she was cute.

   Sticks and stones may break your bones but PMS can kill you.

   I lost 50 lbs of ugly fat with photoshop.

   The 5 second rule for food dropped on the ground does not work if you have a 2 second dog.

   Skeet shooting will be a popular way to do Christmas shopping once Amazon starts delivering packages with drones.