KAREN Funny Status Messages

   By thigh gap you mean the distance between the KFC and my mouth right.

   Next time you go on a road trip for 3 days, can you leave me a note? - Me to my cat.

   You had me at gunpoint.

   I'm glad I've got boobs. The last thing I need is people making eye contact with me

   My lady garden could really use a nice face plant.

   Guys nowadays are so whiny,"these handcuffs are too tight" "there's not enough air in this trunk" "why are you branding your name on my ass"

   I'm a feminist, but not like a "wants to pay my own bills" feminist.

   I hope the next iPhone has a stronger Vibrator.

   I worked like a man yesterday (So I'm whining like one today)

   I spiked the milkshake. No one's leaving my yard.

   It's always nice to be called Pretty in the morning. So what if he was hiding behind the trash wearing no pants.

   Someone asked me if I'm ever scared that I'll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was RIGHT THERE.

   Just got a text asking if I want to go to church on Sunday. I laughed so hard I choked on my vodka and shot my d ildo across the room.

   I'm in a good place right now. Not emotionally... just that I'm at the liquor store.

   Valentine's Day is for losers so don't get me anything, I say as I lovingly kiss my boyfriend and he says nothing because cats don't talk.

   But if I go out tonight, who is going to stick their finger in the cat's mouth and ruin his yawns?

   My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.

   There's so many pictures of trump thrusting an index finger at me in my timeline, I'm starting to feel violated and a little horny.

   Let's play the unicorn game where I rub your magical horn until you shower me with glitter.

   After I have sex with a cucumber my walk of shame is to the kitchen to rinse it off and put it back in the fridge.