Jeremycakes Funny Status Messages

   A friend will help you move. A best friend will help you move the body.

   Osama Bin Laden has updated his facebook status. The FBI has left the afganistan/Pakistan border and is now searching for him in Farmville.

   I was talking to my friends Tom and Dave and they said " hey, do you know Doug has two a$$holes"? I said "What???" They said "It's true. Today we were walking with Doug and we heard somebody say 'Look, there's Doug.With those two a$$holes'"

   I need a beer! I need another beer. I think I'll have another one. Iguetss jusst on moer. I'lll hav jush one morrrre. Blaaaahhhh.

   I had dinner with Cheech and Chong earlier. It was great! But those brownies we had for dessert tasted kind of strange.

   Canada has never made and weapons of mass destruction. We don't need them. Canada has poutine and Justin Beiber. If we make our enemies eat poutine and listen to some Beiber cds, we'll do more damage to thier arteries and eardrums than WMD's ever could.

   I don't know why the FCC is always complaining about sex on tv. A little sex on tv never hurt anyone.....unless you fall off.

   I used to be afraid to fart in front of my new girlfriend. But today I just decided to let a big one go. She didn't mind. Her dad however was disgusted. The rest of the people at the funeral weren't too pleased either.

   Behind every successful man is a woman. She's behind him because he's running away from the crazy b1tch as fast as he can.

   gathering Kardashians to throw at you.

   My kid won't listen and my wife won't shut up! Bye bye Sanity. It was nice knowing you.

   My wife was mad because I wouldn't ask for directions even though we were lost. So she makes me pull over and she says to a guy "Please tell my husband where we are.And say it slow so even he'll understand." Then the guy says " BURRR GERRR KIIIING!"

   I finally got around to reading the story of the headless horseman.Up until now I always thought the story was about a horse rider that couldn't get a erection.

   There's a new soft drink which contains Viagra instead of Caffeine. It's called mount-n-do.

   In America they call it Survivor, in Canada we call it camping.

   I think Dora the explorer is on drugs! She never seems to know where to go next and spends all day talking to a map, a backpack and a monkey.

   The pe*is has it rough! his hair is always a mess. His family is nuts. And his neighbor is a a$$hole.

   Just had a fight with my toaster it wouldn't let go of my Eggo..R.I.P dear toaster you should have let go of the fricken Eggo

   Hi this is Bob barker encouraging yoiu to help stop the spread of crappy music. Have your Beiber spayed or neutered.

   Considering the number of paternity tests Maury Povich has on his show, I think he should change the shows name from " The Maury Povich show" to "WHO'S YOUR DADDY?".