GaryKoenig Funny Status Messages

   I got a job sketching suspects at the police station. I'm a con artist!

   It's so cold out that you can milk a cow and get instant ice cream.

   Ok Jack Frost! You need to quit playing freeze tag with Elsa and Subzero from Mortal Kombat. Because you all keep missing each other, and it is starting to affect the rest of us.

   Marriage tip: If your wife asks you if the outfit she's wearing makes her look fat, just tell her that if she ran at the gym like she ran her mouth at home, she wouldn't have to ask that question.

   So if the groundhog is too fat to see his shadow, do we get six weeks of jelly doughnuts?

   Marriage tip 101: Whenever you do something good for your wife, make sure to let her know. For example: "Hey honey, I put all the laundry by the laundry machine. That way you can wash the clothes after you get done with dinner."

   Are you single? Just remember that at this time of year, something wonderful and heartwarming happens. Tons of candy goes on clearance!

   Wondering how can I get my wife the perfect Valentines gift when she already has me.

   Marriage tip: When your wife is sitting in her chair, scrolling through Tiktok, just ask her why the house has not been cleaned up yet and why she is sitting there, like a bum, doing nothing!

   A man and his wife went to Israel and decided to pick a boat to see the beauty of the river Jordan. When the man asked the boatman how much it will cost them, he said $500. The man shouted, "No wonder Jesus decided to walk on the sea."

   Marriage tip: Your wife values honesty. So if your wife asks you if her best friend is prettier than her, just say "yes". Your wife will value and appreciate your opinion, and she will love you more for it.

   Marriage tip: If your wife just won't stop talking, just remind her that it is her job to be seen and NOT heard. After all, as the husband, your opinion is the only one that matters anyways.

   Marriage tip #10: Whenever your wife can't decide where she wants you to take her out to eat, take her to her least favorite restaurant, and then order her her least favorite food item. From then on out, she will at least always give you an option.

   Marriage tip: If your wife is slumming it around the house, just use your "Male-dominated voice" to tell her to get up, and get to work. She will respect you, and get up and do her job.

   Marriage tip: Remember to always leave a healthy amount of cups and trash laying around your house. That way your wife always has something to clean up. A busy wife is a happy wife.

   So I think I came up with a new kind of coffee. I call it the mayo latte. A regular latte with a touch of mayonnaise in it.

   Chocolate is a vegetable due to these reasons. Chocolate comes from cocoa, which is processed from cocoa beans, and beans are vegetables.

   Oh, you want a free college education? Please tell me how serious you took your free high school education.

   I'm currently in the process of getting my groove back. Please standby!

   What's on a wife's mind when lecturing her husband: whatever she's lecturing her husband about. What's on a husband's mind when his wife is lecturing him: the scores of the ballgame.