@uxbridgeguy Funny Status Messages

   Sometimes you have to take a deep breath & remind yourself that you wouldn’t look cute in prison clothes & smile at the jerk & walk away.

   I forget, on which side of my dinner plate am I supposed to set my phone?

   Just heard the gay channel have dropped the soap awards.

   I may not be that much of an importance to you but atleast I will be there when you need me

   My Laptop should come with a breathalyzer so I can't post anything after 3 glasses of wine

   It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.

   Practising my breast stroke, so if I ever get a girlfriend I dont do it wrong...

   Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance… The five stages of waking up.

   "Commercials led me to believe that changing shampoos would have a much bigger effect on my life."

   I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them

   Dear sneeze, If you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and leave.

   If it’s the thought that counts, then I should probably be in jail.

   You said you didn't want to text your ex, Tequila determined that was a lie

   "Relationship status: sleeping in my bed diagonally"

   This salad tastes like I’d rather be fat.

   There's no panic like trying to press "End" when you make an accidental call.

   I'm gonna complain to Domino's! They said I'd have my pizza before I could say 'Piping hot!'. I've said it 867 times since then and it's STILL not here!

   that a banana in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me? Neither, it's my new iPhone.

   Don't see the point in calling this phone a iPhone anymore, it' spends that much time on charge it may as well be called a landline!!!

   According to my nipples, summer is over