@topherjordan Funny Status Messages

   You're never going to change the world by trying to fit in.

   You can't beat a beautiful woman who sings, well, uh, unless you're Chris Brown

   In the popularity contest that is Facebook, I'm currently in 609,264,326th place, slightly higher than in real life. Win!

   Making everyone happy is impossible. But pissing them off is a piece of cake. I really like cake.

   I really hope I never become famous because I'm really horrible at hooking up with celebrities.

   You can forget about me trying to get into your pants, I can barely squeeze into my own!

   If I had an imaginary girlfriend, I would be smart and never let her die.

   I've stocked up on extra batteries for valentines day.

   It's really kind of sad we live in a country where we are the most entertained, yet the less informed.

   I came, I saw, I took a nap.

   I ate a cigarette last night cause I thought it was a fry.

   The perfect day is one where the only decision you have to make is which drink to order.

   The gym manager just gave me a dirty look....Apparently, reverse cowgirl is not an appropriate way to ride the exercise bike.

   Whenever I walk into a Wal-Mart I automatically hate everyone.....including myself.

   Stop talking to me and stare at your phone. It’s 2013.

   I'm one excuse away from calling you.

   I think Congress should be forced to go on minimum wage. That way I can feel more comfortable calling them public servants!

   Be careful on how tough you are on your kids....Strict parents create sneaky children.