@The69Sheriff Funny Status Messages

   Whenever I exit a public toilet... I make sweaty eye contact with the person waiting and say “Top that, cowboy.”

   Watching a little kid learn to brush their teeth is adorable... unless they are trying to use a sharpie with no cap on.

   "Where are we going... and why are we in a hand basket?" ~ Me... when I die.

   just stubbed my toe so hard that I called my ex gf that I haven't spoken to in 3 years and broke up with her again.

   I bet hell is full of morning people and obsessive compulsive Facebook pokers.

   These red lights never give me enough time to finish my Facebook status upda

   thinks my doctor's waiting room needs some music... and better lighting... and more women... and a pole in the middle of the room... and a buffet.

   thinks Twitter spoils us... if only we could limit people in real life to 140 characters or less.

   Facebook asks me what I'm thinking... Twitter asks what I'm doing... 4Square asks where I am. Conclusion: The internet is my girlfriend.

   believes there are two great rules in life: 1.) Never tell everything at once.

   thinks it would be great if we really burped bubbles when we were drunk... just like in cartoons.

   thinks that Google Maps can skip a few steps when giving me directions... I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my own neighborhood.

   thinks you should always proof-read carefully to see if you any words out.

   a little rusty with my Spanish so I'm gonna go ahead and assume "beunos tardes" means "so long, you f****** retards."

   An elderly woman at an ATM asked me to check her balance... so I pushed her over.

   One tub of crisco... One body pillow... One box of condoms... One cashier... One wink... One awkward moment.

   don't pee on me and tell me it's raining... pee on me and tell me you love me.

   Can you imagine how terrifying it would be to actually NOT know the difference between your ass from a hole in the ground?

   Considering the millions of people using Facebook... someone somewhere must be typing the same word at the same time as I am... so... JINX!

   if you let one of those dancing roadside Statues of Liberty do your taxes... your refund will be a hammer and a bag of tangerines.