flinnie Funny Status Messages

   I think if I needed to create a successful television program, my target audience would be people with eyes.

   Maybe we didn't even WANT to touch it, M.C. Hammer. Ever think about that, you egomaniac?

   When I text someone and they dont text me back, I automatically assume that they fainted from overexcitement.

   "BLARGH...mmm, this looks good. nom nom nom...BLARGHH...hey, where'd this come from? yum!...BLARGHHH..." - my dog, throwing up

   Being rude to your waiter is the equivalent of saying, "Would you please spit in my food or perhaps do something worse?"

   If I were a pharmaceutical company, I'd name my next drug "Magnifizac".

   When anyone says to me "I need to talk to you", every bad thing I've ever done in my life flashes before my eyes

   Overly wordy and verbose words are ubiquitous.

   Whenever I realize a girl likes me, my first thought is, "What's wrong with this woman that would make her like ME?"

   FACT: If you don't ask for butter on your toast but the waitress brings it anyway God won't let the cholesterol harm you.

   No matter what the product, a good way to throw off an aggressive salesman is to interrupt him and ask, "Yes, but does it work on cats?"

   Prince and Sheena Easton never did tell us who won the World Series of love.

   Want to clear out a room quickly? Start playing muskrat love loudly. You are welcome.

   The fact that I just swerved to avoid hitting a deer with my car tells me that it's finally time to make it illegal for deer to text.

   Women have an amazing gift of making you feel wrong for being right.

   I can't believe no one likes my show idea about a bunch of undead bathroom remodelers called “The Caulking Dead”.

   My "look like I'm paying attention" face is oddly similar to my "I wonder what I'm gonna have for dinner" face.

   My family crest is just a photo of someone letting it go to voicemail.

   When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that's called lunar assault & it isn't funny

   I will never be brave enough to be a Navy Seal or one of those people who buy things supposedly edible in 99 Cent Only Stores