Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   Why when your car breaks down and you push it to the side of the road, does someone ask "is your car broke down?" "NO, I decided to take it for a walk."

   If you're gonna flip out on your Facebook, don't delete it all the next day. Some of us still want to share your meltdown with our friends.

   I'm the kind of guy who dreams about naps while I'm asleep.

   How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can't even get two kids to brush their teeth.

   I really need to find a girlfriend. Guy at poker table was like “This is my girlfriend, Kayla,” and I was like, “This is my sandwich, Ham.”

   Life is like a box of chocolates... you never know when you'll find a nut.

   I tried to get over myself, but I'm just too awesome!

   Always believe a woman when she says, "You don't want to know!"

   I threatened a man with a knife today. It was a bit silly really, he could have stabbed me.

   ‎654 women were admitted into the hospital, and 542 died with a heart attack! Now tell me who in the hell spreaded the rumor that I'm getting married? x(

   I don't wear a watch because I decide what time it is.

   May you be as happy as a person in an infomercial today.

   The Walkman is offically dead. We had some good times in the 80's, and early 90's. You're in a better place now. RIP

   I figured out why I don't go out drinking much anymore... result being tagged in embarrassing photos on Facebook!

   When your girlfriend has Taylor Swift lyrics as her status, you know you've either done something very right or something very wrong.

   Everybody learns how to dance when they drop a knife.

   There had to have been some kind of break through in the pumpkin sciences this year because everything at the store has pumpkin in it!

   I will respect any religion you practice as long as you never knock on my door to tell me about it.

   Telling a kid they're tired is like telling a drunk person they're drunk. Anger and denial follows.

   I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.