Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   I don't have an attitude. I have a personality you can't handle.

   Monday?! But, I wasn't even finished with Saturday yet.

   Still trying to figure out who defriended me...

   Life's like a bird, it's pretty cute until it craps on your head.

   Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?

   Two billion years of evolution and that's what you come up with?

   It's tough to be such a sex symbol.

   Hey are you stalking me? I'm so tired of hot women following me around all day, it gets annoying.

   You know that garbage can right next to Oscar the Grouch's garbage can? That's where he takes the ladies.

   Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever.

   I have just painted a blue square on the garden to trick people viewing Google Earth into thinking I have a swimming pool!

   When I “rage against the machine” the machine is usually a printer.

   The best way to hang up on someone is to do it in the middle of YOUR OWN sentence. that way, they never suspect you hung up on them.

   My biggest problem is that I believe almost everything I tell myself.

   The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously.

   It's time for attention to pay me instead.

   The NFL should change it's name to the little girls league with all these rules. Football is a violent and physical sport, if you get hurt, it's part of the job.

   I never believed in horoscopes until I found a magazine that accurately predicted what I was going to be doing today. Thank you, TV Guide.

   I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

   Unless you're the lead dog, the view never changes.