Kisstopher Funny Status Messages

   My life is a constant panic attack occasionally interrupted by a nap

   Never underestimate a woman's ability to make you apologize when she is the one who is clearly in the wrong.

   I'm so high I could eat a cloud.

   A cop stopped me and said "License please" so I offered him a donut and said "I donut have one" and we laughed and laughed and now I am behind bars.

   That a wkward m oment when you realize the last stair you thought was there isn't.

   I love myself but I'm not "post pictures of myself everyday on my Facebook wall" love myself.

   So Taylor Swift is single? Again? Please allow me to express my sincere shock at this sudden and unexpected turn of events.

   Real men kill spiders for their women with no goddamn backtalk.

   If you're happy and you know it.......you're probably single.

   The sun rises with coffee and sets with whiskey.

   I know you shouldn't text and drive but I've only had 2-3 texts tonight, tops, so I should be okay to drive.

   I just wrote "your" instead of "you're", now I have to knock out my teeth and live in a trailer.

   The sex was great, but I faked the cuddle.

   I bet guys are getting better at finding the clitoris now that pubes are extinct.

   I've tried everything to get to sleep. Well, except that thing where you shut off your phone and close your eyes, but let's not get crazy.

   I would exercise, but then all the sprinkles would fall off my cupcake.

   If you don't put nipples on the letter o when there's two of them next to each other, then you're no fun and we can't hangout. B⊙⊙bs.

   I have an actual date this weekend so if any of you are in love with me, you better say something or forever hold your peace.

   When two people love each other deeply, nothing is impossible. Except deciding on where to eat.

   You know, Microsoft, if you had called it Bang instead of Bing, you'd have destroyed Google. Example: I just Banged Catherine Zeta Jones.