StonerDudee Funny Status Messages

   When a woman says "He used me for sex". It really means 'I only shagged him to get something else out of him, but it failed'.

   The average person has sex 89 times a year. This is gonna be one hell of a week.

   The house from Home Alone is up for sale for 2.5 million dollars. F*ck that, the area's full of burglars.

   News: "3 Cliff Walkers Fall to Their Death" Wow, what were the chances of them all having the same name?

   My girlfriend just got a very interesting fortune cookie: 'Every exit is an entrance to a new experience' "Wow!" she said. "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" I f*cking hope so.

   My goal for 2015 is to accomplish the goals of 2014 which I should have done in 2013 because I made a promise in 2012 which I planned on keeping back in 2011

   Accidentally punched myself in the face while trying to pull my blanket up, if that doesn't accurately describe my life I don't know what does

   Pepsi and Coke can't even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.

   "I'm getting sick of eating airline food all the time." Said the Malaysian shark.

   You posted a drunk selfie last night at 2:04 AM and then deleted it five minutes later. But I took a screenshot. Let's negotiate.

   People dropout of school and get a job at McDonald's talking bout "on my grind" yeah okay, GRIND me up a Oreo McFlurry with yo dumb ass

   I'm off to bed. For those of you who wish to add a touch of authenticity to your fantasies, the sheets are pale blue...

   Look, nobody can tell the sex of your baby, so please either pierce it's ears or draw a mustache on that ambiguous little mother f*cker

   Whenever being single gets me down, I like to close my eyes, take a deep breath and then go do whatever I want pretty much nonstop.

   I bought a rug from IKEA that ended up being just a needle and 50 lbs. of thread.

   You don't have the right to say "the struggle is real" when your ass is still living with your parents.

   You had me at 0 mutual friends..

   Sometimes I feel like a loser for spending so much time on Facebook. Then I remember there are people out there who comment on pornhub videos

   Saw a huge spider the size of a walnut while I was taking a shower so I pulled off the curtain rod & pole vaulted myself into the hallway.

   If you're thinking of hanging out with your ex, jerk off first and see how you feel after that.