Flinnie Funny Status Messages

   Just once I would like to see some creativity and have a meeting done with interpretive dance instead of powerpoint

   The first thing you should do when a cop asks you to get out of your car is tickle him, just to find out if he's really "all business".

   I like to go into a fitting room, wait for ten minutes and then yell out "Hey, there's no toilet paper in here!"

   Our new dog is going to be the *best* watchdog if a vacuum cleaner ever breaks into the house.

   If you even suspect someone has been stung by a jellyfish -don't ask- just pee on them. You might save a life.

   "What did he say?" "Who is she?" "What just happened?" (Repeat 30 times and you just watched a movie with my mom)

   We now live in a time where people choose their insurance providers based on who's TV commercial is funnier

   I bought a bag of air that contained some chips

   Ordered a plunger and a snare drum on Amazon so next time you order one and it recommends the other, thank me

   My advice is to make money the old fashioned way (by intercepting Spanish galleons transporting gold from the New World).

   You can call me many things but never, ever call me a 'scofflaw'. It's a stupid word.

   The Bermuda Triangle has been quiet lately. Too quiet.

   Many of the problems in Rick James's life could have been avoided if he could have taken Superfreak home to mother.

   Sign my online petition to stop online petitions.

   Why isn't "talk like Samuel L. Jackson day" a thing yet?

   Fact: the domestic Cat remains the only species that's trained humans to clean up poop in exchange for conditional love.

   Behind every great man is a great woman telling him he's not as great as he thinks he is.

   Every person who ever asked if they were bothering me was bothering me

   Lead singers, don't hold the mic out and ask us to sing the chorus. We paid money to watch you do that.

   So glad I'm a guy. Haven't fought with a friend since 1985.