doc Noland Funny Status Messages

   thinking about smashing my face through this screen and becoming Seal for Halloween

   Its Friday, Anything worth doing is worth doing weird.

   How do I get my android to stop taking pictures of my crotch everytime I achieve arousal?

   I can tell how uncomfortable a person is just by hugging them for 18 minutes

   Dear, Android. Please stop changing my rude words into nice ones... You piece of Shut.

   I tell ya what, I bought a toilet brush a couple weeks back, and I'll never go back to paper.

   But Mom! The only reason I run with scissors is because the person I'm trying to stab is usually running too!

   I'll push your face into the shower wall as romantic as possible.

   Alcohol does kill brain cells. As a kid I could name all the dinosaurs. Now I can name maybe three, and I'm not even sure armadillos count.

   Oh, when I'm at work I wear my phone on my belt and I am a douche, When Batman does it, Its a bada55 utility belt... Double Standards.

   Sometimes you have to drop a baby to establish dominance.

   When I die, I want to be cremated and put inside an Etch-a-Sketch

   This pill bottle says 'Take with plenty of fluids' and 'Don't take with alcohol'. That doesn't even make sense

   I could stand to lose a few pounds, so I'm cutting out my oversized heart. It has done me no favors anyway.

   Put my thing down, flipped it and reversed it. Now its inside out. Send help.

   It's normally a combination of things that cause bad decisions. The shaker, ice and Rumple combination is the most common

   when people say that drinking is not the answer, it makes me wonder if they truly understand the question.

   Attn. Northern People: Yeah, you should stock up on flashlights, but Lite Brites spelling "Were All Gonna Die" is festive and functional.

   One day, I'll twirl a can in confidence. You'll see.

   Really Baileys? Non alcoholic coffee creamers? Is that to recover from the O'Doul's hangover?