doc Noland Funny Status Messages

   BREAKING: Lady Gaga gains weight, decides to release new single "Porker Face".

   got the best Halloween costume for his P@nis: Tube Sock Shakur.

   indecisive and thoroughly confused, the replacement refs ordered a diet mtn. coke.

   wasn't Fellatio one of the Three Musketeers?

   I know its early, but I wanna sneak off to the bar

   I'm so good in bed...I'll make you forget your safe word.

   You know that song... You give love a bad name...Pretty sure that was meant for me.

   My signature move has been foiled by carpal tunnel and tennis elbow.

   When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I'm enjoying it.

   You can tell a lot about someone by the swastika they've carved into their forehead.

   Can I still call it mimosa if its in a flask?

   I am not an alcoholic... I have an alcohol fetish.

   Tonight I saw a man pull the stick from his corn dog and eat it without the stick. It was me. I did that. I am capable of anything.

   Ok, I cant take it anymore. Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.

   it rude to throw a breath-mint in someone's mouth while they are talking?

   just heard a woodpecker call me a "paranoid weirdo" in morse code.

   If you block me, don't be surprised if you look out your window to see me making out with your garden gnome.

   I am pretty sure I have regained my virginity.

   I hate it when totally random strangers ask me stupid questions like "Why are you licking me?"

   I've had six red bulls so of course I'm counting all the leaves on the trees as I drive past them.