StonerDudee Funny Status Messages

   You know you drank too much if you have to wait until your court appearance to find out what the hell happened that night

   I always walk around with a megaphone. If Facebook breaks I need to be able to tell everyone that I've had dinner.

   My daughter has just taken two black guys up to her bedroom to study together. From the sounds of it they're getting every revision question right.

   The world is full of nice guys who want naughty girls who want bad boys who want nice girls who want nice guys.

   It's getting harder and harder to tell Dog the Bounty Hunter and his wife apart.

   Every Chrysler commercial should begin with them apologizing for the PT Cruiser.

   n't it weird that after 30,000 years of eating bread, everyone is gluten allergic now?

   Here's a joke about ebola, you probably won't get it though.

   Ever update an app and realize the "fixed issues" were all a lie and it will never be the same? That's what going back to an ex is like.

   Just found some old sex coupons I got from an ex for my b-day. Any of you ladies take competitor's coupons?

   Here Comes Honey Boo Boo has been canceled. In other news, my faith in humanity has been restored.

   When someone chooses the stall next to me when plenty others are available I tap my foot 3 times and ask, "You got the stuff?".

   China has largest population not because the men are extra horny nor women are extra fertile but because... Their condoms are made in China.

   170.6 Adam and Eve: The first people to not read the Apple terms and conditions.

   First woman on the Moon: "Houston, we have a problem." What? "Never mind" What's the problem? "Nothing" Please tell us? "You know what the problem is."

   If video games have taught me anything, it's that if you encounter enemies then you're going the right way.

   The condoms need to be located in the fu*king baby aisle Next to the 30 dollar diapers and 20 dollar formula cans

   If you hold up a Shell and listen carefully, you can hear the cashier telling you he doesn't want any trouble.

   If I would have known there would be a Facebook, I would have written "f*ck off forever" instead of "keep in touch" in your yearbook.

   The year is 2026. The iPhone18 is the size of a dump truck. Everything is automatically sepia toned. Air is pumpkin spice flavored.