Flinnie Funny Status Messages

   Trying to look like I'm interested in what someone is saying is often the most strenuous thing I do all day.

   In a post-Gadaffi world, Hannukah is the only thing that gets to have 4 legal spellings.

   Feminist must be so offended every time they need to use a restroom and see the figure on the door still wearing a dress.

   I see UFOs every night until they turn into FOs.

   Whoopi Goldberg says communism makes great sense. Remember, she thought Sister act was a good idea too.

   The worst part about getting a monogrammed sweater for Christmas is having to find someone with your initials to regift the thing to

   Santa has been cleared to enter US airspace. But he will be subject to strip searches by TSA. Since elderly people rarely file lawsuits.

   My New Year's Resolution, like always, will be to avoid a unicorn herd attack. I have a good feeling 2012 will be the year.

   I never realized how easily I bruise until I played Angry Birds with the sound on around other people.

   I just hung a stocking by my chimney but instead of using "care" I hung it with total disregard for human safety.

   Today on Maury! Joseph was engaged to Mary-then learned she's pregnant! You won't BELIEVE who she says the Baby Daddy is!

   You can take off the sexy elf costume now....Steve.

   I'd like to see the tambourine make a roaring comeback into modern music.

   My flyswatter is such a buzz kill

   You have 600 friends on Facebook but you have to take your own picture of yourself for your profile photo?

   They say money can't buy happiness… but it can buy bacon, and that is pretty darn close.

   New Years Resolution #1 Incorporate bacon into a majority of my meals.

   New Year's Resolution #2: Switch my username to “password” and my password to “username” to make it harder for hackers to figure out

   I've never had personalized license plates, but don't worry, I still know how to waste most of my discretionary income.

   I'd be 100 % more motivated if Samuel L. Jackson yelled at me to get things done.