flinnie Funny Status Messages

   You can tell a lot about a girl by her hands. For instance, if theyre placed around your throat shes probably a violent person.

   'You know what really pushes my buttons?....You People.' - Elevators

   Despite protests, my wife has yet to step down from her post as the oppressive leader of our house.

   I like big butts, but unfortunately I do lie. So really, I dont like big butts...Or do I? You'll never know.

   Probably didnt think through the whole yelling at my boss 'Youre not the boss of me, Bruce Springsteen is.'

   It's hard to get people's sympathy when your life is in shambles, mainly because the word shambles sounds so darn adorable. Shambles!

   Drawing sunglasses on the sun never really made sense to me.

   Attention everyone: Jon Bon Jovi isn't dead, just his career

   New Year's resolution: say "not on my watch" more (& often)

   You realize 30 years from now some idiot actress is going to be talking about the "challenge of portraying an icon like Kim Kardashian".

   The 4th rule of Fight Club is: Don't hit reply all to the Fight Club newsletter.

   People who try to get on camera in live news report backgrounds clearly haven't been punched enough in their lifetime.

   I miss the days when Disney produced cartoons instead of teen floozies.

   A cement mixer collided with a prison van. Be on the lookout for hardened criminals.

   I was never that happy doing the neutron dance.

   Correcting typos matter. Its the different between addressing a letter to Santa or Satan. It could save a child's soul.

   Are we still saving whales? My basement is getting pretty full.

   Just saw a man using a pay phone! In his defense, he seemed to be hallucinating and thought he was fighting a puma.

   f you feel sad, remember: There are people out there right now buying last-minute Christmas presents for their cats.

   Anyone who recommends me for a huge job promotion has obviously never watched me try to untangle headphone cords.