StonerDudee Funny Status Messages

   I think my girlfriend can transform into a bee. She only transforms in the bathroom though, I always hear the buzzing sound.

   Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don't have a moon where I live.

   Spoiler alert: Your '97 Nissan Sentra doesn't need one.

   I'm planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn't my first choice but my doctor told me I can't have any biologically.

   How I feel when you complain about your boyfriend to me is how Yahoo feels when people use them to search for Google's homepage.

   Tupac has been dead for 18 years and still makes albums and you can't text me back?

   If guys were smart, they'd forget the nightclubs and watch the supermarket for girls who buy frozen dinners and cat food.

   My idea of heaven consists of all of the things I'd go to hell for.

   Martin Scorsese's film "The Wolf of Wall Street" broke a record by using the word "F**k" or "F**king" 506 times. That actually beats a record set by my dad in 2003, trying to put an Ikea chair together.

   Sure, whitepeople can't say the "n-word" but at least we can say phrases like, "Thanks for the warning, Officer" and, "hey dad"

   I prefer to call it a "Ta-Da" list. Cause it'd be fu*king amazing if I actually accomplished anything on it.

   If I was supposed to share them, they wouldn't be called nachos.

   I have never been paid for sex, but holy mother of god, there were a few instances when I should have been.

   I bet the guy that was looking forward to his next life and came back reincarnated as me is really disappointed.

   I'm not opposed to manscaping, but I don't see the point of cutting the grass until somebody takes interest in the property.

   It was only after the other brothers of The Jackson 5 refused to let him join that little Samuel L. Jackson first became angry.

   Tell me more about this victum role you play due to the circumstances that you've created for yourself.

   I saw this big guy in brand new Nikes running down the road with a huge TV in his arms. I thought briefly, "That looks like mine." Then I realized, mine wears adidas.

   Nothing says "I've already given up on this day" quite like a Taco Bell breakfast.

   Why can't the ice cream man just get a fu*kin liquor license already