Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   If a person smiles all the time, they're probably selling something that doesn't work.

   "Don't Give a Crap Day" is tomorrow. But nobody gives a crap so there aren't any cards.

   If at first you DO succeed, someone's probably going to think you cheated.

   anyone going to tell America's Funniest Home Videos about youtube?

   If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

   The worst feeling isn't being lonely. It's being forgotten by someone you'd never forget.

   Dear 3rd stall over, flushing the toilet does not disguise explosive diarrhea. Thought you should know.

   Party like you will never be invited to another!

   Want your favorite song to become your least favorite song? Just make it your alarm tune.

   I'm about as motivated as a Denny's employee.

   I don't think Oprah has driven herself anywhere in the last 25 years. Her don't text and drive advice is like her giving marriage or parenting tips.

   Having it all together is not my style.

   I didn't go see the Social Network because I was worried I'd run into people from high school that I don't remember or didn't like.

   Those who complain the most accomplish the least.

   You will never understand people, just understand that.

   On Columbus Day, we celebrate the discovery of places that have already been happily occupied for years.

   it even possible to calmly walk away from a dark basement?

   I'm the architect of my present not an artifact of the lost and forgotten past...

   Turns out people can still hear you even if you're wearing sunglasses.

   Facebook needs to add "still banging my ex" as a relationship status option.