Kisstopher Funny Status Messages

   You win some, you booze some!

   If you're going to take me on a date to a karaoke bar, we better have sex before we go because I'm going to leave you there.

   There's pizza in this conference room and we're still talking instead of eating. THIS IS HOW SERIAL KILLERS ARE BORN.

   Remember when I loved you unconditionally? Well the terms of that arrangement have changed.

   If girls were dinosaurs they'd be dramasaurus.

   My wife only drinks so she can tolerate me when I'm drunk.

   Sometimes things just don't work out. And for those times there's always alcohol.

   If you can wipe it off with a wet towel, it's not beauty.

   My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she's died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.

   I never bring a knife to a fight. I bring my brain. It's much sharper.

   While you're busy staring at your phone flirting, your bored and neglected spouse is probably out doing someone else for real.

   I make PMS jokes around women all the time just to know what it feels like to live dangerously.

   My biggest fear is being the guy that gets pushed out of the way when a criminal is running from a cop.

   Quick! Marry me, I'll explain later.

   Having a p enis doesn't make you a man. Getting mad at some Ikea wood pieces after not reading the instructions makes you a real man.

   I've just turned a mortgage payment into wine. Your move, Jesus.

   I overheard my neighbor telling someone on the phone that I am creepy and wierd. I was so mad I almost crawled out from under her bed and confront her.

   There is a 100% chance I will never be depressed again if I could get myself a pet Panda.

   it like illegal to make a movie scene where the people runaway from a bomb when there's more than 30 seconds left for the explosion?

   No one honked at me ever since I put a bumper sticker on the back of my car that says "Honk if you're a piece of shi t".