flinnie Funny Status Messages

   Dear inventor of the spork: I am fully prepared to have my mind blown again, whenever you're ready.

   Won a $50 gift card to Chili's at Christmas raffle. In other news, decided my secret santa is getting a $14.37 gift card to Chili's for Christmas.

   I've come to the realization that LL Cool J's momma is a real trouble maker

   today I was awoken at 3am by my child laughing hysterically in his sleep. All I could think of is "man I really wish I didn't watch so many horror movies cause I'm creeped out!"

   Doing some caroling! All by myself. In people's backyards. In the bushes. Very little singing. Mostly watching.

   "I bet you're told this all the time" means you are about to hear something you've never heard and it's probably going to sting a little.

   No one is more judgmental than a waitress questioning if you've saved room for dessert.

   I'll never be convinced there's not someone hiding under my bed just waiting for the chance to grab my ankle.

   To me the song "Baby its cold outside" will always sound like an attempted abduction.

   Fact: Guys don't like it when you compliment them on their gay apparel.

   Just had my first-ever bowl of porridge & the first one was, in fact, too hot.

   I'm that guy that will add you as a friend on Facebook and then not talk to you the next time I see you in real life.

   I never tip restroom attendants because they already got to listen to me poop, and you can't really put a price on that.

   it's been a terrible year for my fantasy dictator league

   Those starving without shelter in Africa would be glad to know Americans make houses out of delicious food during Christmas time.

   .it's almost time for my OBGYN appointment and I haven't even bought a doctor's coat or faked my credentials yet.

   If you use the word "Humorous" when you could say "Funny," you're just outing yourself as a douchebag.

   It takes 42 muscles to frown, but it takes no muscles to be completely expressionless all the time.

   I'm wearing “thongs” right now, but it's not what you think. I have some flip-flops in my butt.

   Hey, how long are you supposed to chase someone after they steal your wallet? Cause I'm getting tired of running and he's catching up to me