andrew jackson Funny Status Messages

   I think the worst fate would be a mime stuck in an actual soundproof invisible box.

   FACT: If you ever see a bear, lie down, curl in the fetal position. The bear will then lay behind you as the big spoon & ask you how your day was

   So apparently in a job interview, if the interviewer asks you to choose one word that describes you, the correct answer is not "fergalicious"

   A smile is like tight underwear, it lifts your cheeks

   Coworker asked me to lunch and I didn't have the heart to say no so I planted drugs in his desk and got him fired.

   I carry a yoga mat but it's only because I get sleepy after lunch

   If I've learned anything from Facebook, it's that everyone has a birthday

   The streets will run red with the blood of my enemies is probably something I shouldn't have said out loud at the neighborhood watch meeting

   75% of my current net worth is in gift cards.

   If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I'm really just testing your resolve

   Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That's my kid telling a story.

   There should be a wrestler whose finishing move is taking the other wrestlers out for a nice steak dinner, they work hard & they deserve it

   I used to think the word "ostracized" was "ostrich-sized" and I was always like: "Good! Keep that bird-bodied weirdo away from me!"

   Before smartphones I remembered phone numbers. Like lots. Of all my friends and family. Was I Rain Man?

   FACT: They'll never give me control of the church bells and even if they do I’ll abuse it and lose the privilege so fast.

   I'm here to do three things: learn how to count and fight people who call me a liar. And buddy, I already learned to count.

   Texted my wife "Nooooooo!" but it autocorrected to "Mooooooo!" and now I can never come home

   I read that cucumber slices over your eyes reduce puffiness and wrinkles but they just made me drive into a tree

   I'm not hard of hearing. I'm tired of hearing.

   Shocked by the 16% approval rating of congress held by Americans in June 2016. That can't be right. Who are these psychos in the 16 percent?