StonerDudee Funny Status Messages

   Shouldn't we get paid to use the self-service checkouts in supermarkets? It's like we work there for a little while.

   If your camel toe looks like a elephants hoof, you might want to rethink the yoga pants.

   If you come up to my bedroom door and there is a sock on the door handle it means I'm having sex..... Probably with the other sock.

   Just made a bunch of money by standing outside a party and charging $3 to enter. I don't even know who's party it was!

   iOS 8 let's you passcode lock specific apps? It's fun imagining how many break ups that will cause

   My car doesn't have a passenger airbag but don't worry, if we get in an accident all the McDonalds napkins in the glove box will cushion you

   This is an "A" and "B" conversation, so "C" your way out before "D" jumps over "E" and "F"s you up like a "G".

   My boss said "Dress for the job you want, not the job you have." Now I'm sitting in a disciplinary meeting dressed as Batman.

   Get a load of this guy" - worst slogan for a sperm bank

   If Shrek can find love, so can you. What I'm trying to say is, you look like Shrek

   Whenever I'm leaving the work bathroom and I see the cleaning lady waiting, we exchange the knowing look that I just crapped in her office

   I can think of absolutely no acceptable situation where a grown man should be taking a bathroom mirror selfie.

   Pick any number. Multiply it by two. Now add 12 to it. Divide it by 3. Now change it to 10. That's how many seconds you just wasted.

   Walked by a child clutching a stuffed animal. The kid made the stuffed animal's paw wave at me & now I'm finding it hard to hate everything.

   Hey self-appointed MILFs, easy does it. We'll let you know.

   If you still pay for porn I just want you to know I have a butter churner and an abacus for sale.

   The person before me got $0.57 worth of gas, no joke. My day doesn't seem so bad now.

   If you zoom into the background on your selfies you can see your dignity disappearing into the distance.

   Did you know you are supposed to pull anal beads out slowly? I didn't... I started the wife up like a f*cking chainsaw.

   I hate jokes that rely on visual imagery. I've had it right up to here with them.