Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time television were: Fred and Wilma Flintstone.

   A woman walked into the pharmacy and asked for some batteries. The pharmacist gestured with his index finger and said,"Come this way." The woman replied, "If I could come that way, I wouldn't need the batteries!"

   In life, it seems the group of people who are easily offended and the group of people who are easily confused tend to be the same group.

   You never know who your real friends are until you are in need and then you'll be surprised who shows up.

   It takes a special kind of crazy to marry a divorce lawyer.

   Most of the fun things I've done have never been smart ideas.

   Facebook: Lying to people you know. Twitter: Be honest to people you don't know.

   You can't please everyone, so you might as well just concentrate on me.

   I saw a woman with a Breast Cancer Awareness t-shirt that said "Yes they're fake, My real ones tried to kill me!"

   Who thought it was a good idea to make commercials 5 minutes longer than the actual show you are watching?

   FYI: Real hippos at the zoo don't eat marbles. They should post a sign or something.

   "They" say money and sex is the root of all evil. Well I think "They" are just poor virgins.

   Daughter walks in on her mom giving dad a hand job, "Mommy, what you doing?" Mom says "Your daddy is getting too fat, so I'm letting some of the air out of him." The little girl replies, "Good luck, the lady next door is just got done blowing him up again

   It's not the destination, it's the journey. Except when you're heading to the bathroom with explosive diarrhea.

   When the Spice Girls chose their "Spicy" alter-ego nicknames, the girl with the biggest boobs should have chosen to go by Spice Rack.

   Making up fake resumes for my coworkers and submitting them for sh!tty jobs.

   Spellcheck? I just type the words into the Google Toolbar and see if it corrects me.

   Excuses: Elementary School - "He started it!" Middle School - "It was a dare!" High School - "I was drunk."

   How long before I can convince you all that it's my birthday again?

   I sometimes go to my own little world, but that's okay, they know me there.