andrew jackson Funny Status Messages

   Was there ever a time where secretly giving "bunny ears" in a photo was actually funny?

   If you are stalking me, please keep up, I have a lot of errands today.

   Many yard sales happening here today, some hard to distinguish from "we had a fight so I threw his stuff out the window onto the lawn."

   Sometimes, I do the opposite of what my GPS tells me to do just to hear the the slight panic in it's robotic voice.

   Hangman is a great game to teach kids that if they don't learn how to spell, they could be put to death.

   Dear Europe, I lost a bet and have to watch a soccer game. Question: do these things end or do the players just die of old age?

   I miss the days when if a person took a billion pictures of their own face, they would end up being institutionalized.

   To unsubscribe from our mailing list, please catch a wild bear and bring it to our headquarters where you will have to wrestle it and win

   Contort my hands into gang signs before the rigor mortis sets in so I die legit

   If you can't handle me at my worst you're probably good at setting boundaries.

   I'm the Rain Man of knowing exactly how many fries you stole while I went to get napkins.

   When they named Newfoundland, it's like they just weren't even trying.

   If only I could be as witty as local news anchors think they are.

   Voices woke me up in the middle of the night, champagne was a ripoff & I'm still trying to leave. 1 star. -online review of Hotel California

   Here is my panic room. Over there is my slightly anxious room, and next to the foyer is my complete mental breakdown room.

   If you've ever seen a foal being born then you pretty much know what it looks like to watch me get out of a beach chair.

   I have no idea what swag is, but I'm fairly certain what I have is the opposite of whatever it is.

   Bob didn't know the meaning of the word surrender. Nor could he spell it. Signing up for the Spelling Bee to meet girls had been a mistake.

   Finally woke up before the birds, gonna go scream at them.

   The internet completely changed the way I avoid doing stuff