StonerDudee Funny Status Messages

   I used to be passive aggressive but now I'm aggressively passive. Don't mess with me, idiot. I'll sit right here. I'll f*cking forgive you.

   Only a few years ago, the average parents had four children. Nowadays, the average child has four parents.

   If you ever feel unconfident in your body, just remember that pornhub wouldn't keep their fat girl category if guys didn't like it and it wasn't making them money.

   How does a woman carry a child in her stomach for 9 months, go through all the pain, hold it in her arms, and end up calling it laquisha

   I've just invented a new word: "Plagiarism"

   Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat, then I remember they just feed off attention.

   Some souls are consumed with what grows in the garden of others and then wonder, why their own does not flourish.

   Hey, car designers, you have kids, right? How is "limo window partition" between the front and back seat not an option yet? Step the fu*k up

   People b**ching in the express line about the lady writing a check will be p!ssed when I try to barter a sheep for this 6-pack of Bud Lite.

   If schools were really serious about fundraisers, they'd sell drugs and alcohol.

   I just found out c.ock fighting is done with roosters and now it feels like this 6 months of training has been wasted.

   Me: This chicken is undercooked. Wife: You don't appreciate my cooking. Me: I think the vet could save it if it we took it right now.

   Nice try Jehovah's Witnesses but dressing up like cops and telling me you have a warrant is not going to get me to open my door.

   Oh thank goodness, you posted another selfie. I almost forgot what you looked like since the selfie 5 minutes ago.

   Tequila probably won't fix your problems, but it's worth a shot.

   Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn't have any pictures of me either.

   The death of Friends star David Schwimmer this afternoon came as a huge shock to me, but it's made me realize how this s ite is a primary source of news to many people. Which is why you just believed me that David Schwimmer is dead.

   I have a bumper sticker that says "Honk if you think I'm sexy" I then wait at green lights 'til I feel better about myself.

   If you're feeling bored, find a group photo of four girls on instagram and then comment "you three look great!" Wait and grab popcorn.

   I learned all my dance moves from the paternity test episodes of Maury.