Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   I've realized the older women get, the more likely they are to have a tissue or a bandaid when I needs one.

   If you can read this then it's your lucky day. I did my monthly Facebook friend deletions and you made the cut! Good Luck next month. ;)

   The only thing worse than being up at 6am is still being up at 6am.

   I hate waiting for someone to illegally upload so I can illegally download.

   I'm off to hit the treadmill. If it doesn't break or hit me back, I may even walk or run on it.

   I hate when I look in the mirror and see an adult.

   It's recycling day and based on the bin I just put out, there's a fraternity that I don't know about living somewhere in my house.

   We have all experienced the pain of watching a slow typer.

   When I die, I give you permission to change my status to, "is dead."

   When you don't remember someones name, you wait for someone else to say it so you can pretend like you knew it all along.

   I never read and will never read your 55 page terms of use. I will always agree, so stop asking me to confirm that I read it.

   I hate it when people tell me I look young for my age because it implies my age is old.

   Rule #1 of the Internet: Nothing you put online, even for a second, can ever be taken down.

   If a woman is talking to me about her problems, I better be the cause of them.

   You complete me. Which makes me a complete idiot.

   In life, it seems the group of people who are easily offended and the group of people who are easily confused tend to be the same group.

   A police recruit was asked during exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest ur own wife?" He said, "Call for backup."

   Dear Noah, We could have sworn you said the ark wasn't leaving till 5. Sincerely, Unicorns.

   If you only have one photo on you're Facebook you are either a spammer, or a loser, either way don't request me as a friend.

   Cookie Monster: People ask me what me favorite kind of cookie, but me no can choose! Me equal opportunity eater.