Flinnie Funny Status Messages

   This time of year when I order a Frosty at Wendy's I like to say "Not the snowman of course hahaha" and then things get a bit awkward.

   One of my favorite things to do in my spare time is sneak into fancy restaurants and switch everyone's freshly brewed coffee with instant.

   When cats and dogs finally rise up against us, the first thing they'll do is strap Santa hats to our heads and take pictures.

   Ever see one sneaker in the road? How does this happen? Does a jogger get home look down at their feet and say "Not again...lost another one"

   Looking into one of those non attorney spokesman gigs.

   Horse cops would be way cooler if they didn't have people cops riding them. Just horses with a gun and a badge. And a taste for justice.

   Nothing good ever comes from getting involved with the girl who can play pool incredibly well when she's drunk.

   It's pretty funny to strap a Christmas tree to the roof of your car, light it on fire, and drive around like nothing's wrong.

   Just saw a huge spider while I was getting out of the shower. So I pulled down the shower curtain rod & pole vaulted over it into the hallway.

   Holding grudges gets you no where in life but it does prove how stuck in the past you are.

   Hip Hop in the 90s was more simple. You always knew you could find all the party people in the house.

   Some people lack the ability to laugh at themselves. And thats where I come in.

   I declined an iTunes Terms & Conditions update. Immediately my phone rang. A cold robotic voice said "wrong move silly human."

   I'm starting to think it's probably not that hard out there for a pimp.

   Mariah Carey grew to hate Christmas. After she recorded all I want for Christmas is you, she only gets a house full of relatives now.

   I'm going to open a store and call it "Don't Patronize Me."

   Alfalfa was the Depression era Justin Bieber.

   I see London. I see France. I see the Human Resources Office because I made an inappropriate observation.

   "I'll get you, gadget. Next time." --Dr. Claw, window shopping at the sharper image

   I thought you had a moment of holiday cheer come over you. It was gas, you are disgusting.