andrew jackson Funny Status Messages

   I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing, to let me know when I am wrong.

   Calling it Jerk Chicken is rude. Maybe it had a rough childhood, you don't know.

   Fun game for parents: Scream in horror the first time your child loses a tooth.

   When people ask where I live I always say by the sword.

   I'd like to give that Baltimore mom 10 min alone with Congress and a wooden spoon.

   Upon learning how old I am, a 5 year old named "Braxten" told me I was "really old," so I whispered in his ear, "at least I have a real name"

   Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food

   And that concludes the end of the presentation. Any questions? "Um yes. Hi. Since I stayed awake the whole time can I have a raise?"

   Me, to wife: "I don't need a shopping list, I can remember." * Returns from grocery store with portrait of Abe Vigoda and a yak. *

   The Earth revolves around the Sun at a speed of 18.5 miles/sec and spins on its axis at 1,040 mph. So yeah, I got some exercise today.

   I bet I can hold my breath longer than you. In fact, I bet you can't hold my breath at all.

   A handful of almonds is a sensible snack to throw in someone's face & demand where the real snacks are

   I got a job as a store greeter. But apparently "You again?" wasn't the greeting they had in mind.

   My weekend mood fluctuates between “better get the lawn mowed before it rains” and “Hurry up and rain so I can’t mow the lawn.”

   Doctors only gave me three more months to live la vida loca

   If I was in Mad Max I would be the guy who can't figure out how to turn the windshield wipers off.

   how long does it take possums to realize when one of them are actually dead?

   Billion dollar idea. A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell "I'm just cooking!"

   Dance like no one is watching. Because they're not. They're all checking their phones.

   The recipe called for a hint of sea salt, unfounded rumors of rosemary, open threats of thyme, an unauthorized search and seizure of pepper.