GaryKoenig Funny Status Messages

   I just had a cop knock on my door saying he was looking for a man with one eye. I told him to use both as he'd probably find him a lot quicker.

   Before we work on artificial intelligence, why don't we do something about natural stupidity?

   n't it funny how red, white, and blue represent freedom until they're flashing behind you?

   Last night my wife asked for peace and quiet while she cooked dinner. So I went and took the batteries out of the smoke detector.

   If you ever drove a car without any power steering, you can literally fight anybody and win.

   I'm not as mean as I could be. And I want people to be more grateful for that.

   I used to care what people thought of me until I tried to pay my bills with their opinions.

   After my funeral, I want one of my friends to take my phone and send a message to everyone: "Thank you for coming".

   Marriage tip: Whenever you do something good for your wife, make sure to let her know. For example: "Hey honey, I put all the laundry by the laundry machine. That way you can wash the clothes after you get done with dinner."

   God made the earth then rested. God made man then rested. God made woman and since then neither God nor man have rested again.

   Marriage tip: Every once in a while, call your wife by one of your ex-girlfriend's names. This will help her realize that she is not the only woman on the docket, and that you're a really good catch!

   Step 1: Go to a drive through. Step 2: Say "I'm sorry but I'm blind. Can you read the menu to me"? Step 3: See how long they'll read before realizing you can't drive if you're blind.

   I'm really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. I'm really glad you can see 92 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now.

   I hate when cashiers feel the need to check if my money is real. If I could counterfeit money, I wouldn't be at Dollar Tree.

   Don't rush into a relationship. Be friends first. Maybe they have hotter friends. Thank me later.

   When you push a pull door and someone says, "You have to pull". Like yeah, my next plan was to start lifting it from the bottom.

   To all my friends who are committed: Happy Valentine's Day! And to all my friends who are single: Happy Independence Day!

   I'm gonna bake Valentine's Day cupcakes for a special someone today. That special someone is me.

   My wife and I have been married for quite some time. Our secret is that we take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight dinner, soft music, and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

   Today I was told the world doesn't revolve around me. I think it could if some people would try harder.