Marshall the great Funny Status Messages

   Don't focus on the one person who hates you. You don't go to the park and set your picnic down next to the only pile of dog sh!t.

   Stop trying so hard. He doesn't like you. Don't kiss an ass if it's in the process of sh!tting on you.

   I'd much rather have a sex tape released to the public than a tape of me trying to run in flip-flops.

   There must be a trick to fighting fire with fire because my kitchen just pretty much has twice as much fire now.

   Facebook has pretty much made it impossible to ever again say, "I had no idea it was your birthday!"

   Oh I can see by your Four Square there that you just checked into Target. Be sure to notify us all when you check into therapy.

   At least once a week, everyone should bike to work, so there will be less traffic for me.

   This ban on texting while driving only makes things worse. Now I have to worry about driving, texting AND not getting caught texting.

   My internet is so slow, it would be faster to just drive to Google's headquarters and ask them this sh!t in person.

   How many Snickers are an acceptable meal replacement?

   When I see a photo enforced traffic light, I pose and wave as I run it, tons of adoring fans at the county courthouse send me letters.

   The first thing I always do when a cop pulls me over is remind him he can't arrest me without a warrant so he knows he's dealing with a pro.

   Febreeze should make a scent powerful enough to remove wtf is that awful smell, instead of just wtf is that awful smell plus Febreeze.

   You guys will NOT believe how much ice cream I just ate, but to give you a clue it was served in one of those orange construction cones.

   ...is now awesome. earlier I was just pretty damn amazing :)

   Why do people keep telling me I need a positive attitude? I'm already positive I have an attitude.

   Hooters needs to change its logo, all these years I thought I was eating owl wings.

   It's nice when a grocery clerk asks if I found everything OK, but if they really cared they'd have all this sh!t in the same aisle for me.

   In certain cultures its illegal to look this good

   This October has 5 Fridays, 5 Saturdays and 5 Sundays all in one month. It happens only once every 823 years.