JAKE Funny Status Messages

   Bad decision: Believing we're from the government and we're here to help you.

   I found a real money maker in selling homing pigeons....... So far this month I sold mine 4 times.

   I will only date a woman 3 times. I'm not scared of commitment. I'm scared my wife will find out.

   20 years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs. Now we have no cash. no hope and no jobs. Hope nothing happens to kevin Bacon.

   If athletes get athlete's foot and tennis players get tennis elbow. What do gynecologists get........ Tunnel vision.

   What do you call a man who has everything? A bachelor.

   I asked my wife what would you do if I won the lottery? She said I'd take half, then leave you. Great, I won $50.00 here's $25.00 bye bye.

   For the first time I went into another room an actually remembered why I went there...... Ok so it was the bathroom but still I remembered.

   Wives are like newspapers. They have a new issue every day

   You always hear the wife complain about their husband leaving the toilet seat up. But you'll never hear the husband complain about the wife leaving the toilet seat down.

   I'm not saying my wife is overweight or eats to much, but I had too put an engery saving lightbulb in the fridge.

   Who ever stole my antidepressants, I hope you're happy.

   What business makes money by driving their customers away........ A taxi.

   Losing your wife can be difficult. I know because I've been trying to lose mine for years.

   Cat: Hey. Me: Hey cat. Cat: What are you doing? Me: Smoking a joint, I think I'm stone. Cat: Ya think?

   Who ever invented the knock knock joke should get the no bell prize.

   Wives, husbands talk in their sleep because it's the only time they get a chance to talk.

   What's the matter with you guys? Did you break your laugh box or something?

   To the person who stole my diet pills, you have nothing to gain.

   Every time my wife and I have sex, I put a dollar in a envelope. With the money I save up, I use to buy her anniversay gift. This year she getting a Mar's bar.