sarah Funny Status Messages

   I even lose my panties when I masturbate.

   The only thing I want negative in my life is pregnancy tests.

   Ladies; Beware of sensitive poetry and inspirational-stuff-writing guys. In my experience they cry after sex, ramble about rainbows and deer and insist that you cuddle.

   I've got a lot of respect for born again Christian women. God bless you all. (One less slut out there for me to compete with.)

   I want a monster in my bed, not under it.

   I named the spider in my kitchen 'Kris Kross' because it made me jump.

   Guys like it when girls go commando, so I assassinated a Nicaraguan dictator.

   My daughter asked me to help her with her math homework so I had to sit her down and explain that people with big boobs don't need to do math

   The tattoos in your shirtless profile pic say 'bad boy'; the flowered wallpaper behind you scream 'living in mom's sewing room'.

   Sometimes I think I'm going crazy, then I remember that I'm a woman.

   Apparently, this ass is going to have to learn to tap itself.

   I'm just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to not be a douchebag.

   If my cat could talk I have a feeling it would tell me "stop talking to me crazy woman and go get laid"

   Got roses from a vegan. Not sure if they are supposed to be a snack or a decoration. Anyway, they're pretty. Maybe I'll eat just one.

   Fellas; For every minute you spend 'down there,' I'll donate a dollar to Michael Douglas' Throat Cancer Research Fund.

   Time to get white girl wasted,scream wooo at strangers, cry in a bathroom,take a pic in said bathroom flashing a gang sign & call it a night

   Boy are you my bank statements because you're hilarious

   The amount of times I've tried to stick my key in other people's locks just to see if it fits is probably the reason I wasn't given a d*ck

   Let's have phone sex and you can hang up on me before I'm done to keep it realistic

   My husband gets so confused when I say yes to sex, you'd think I changed the location of his food bowl.