paul Funny Status Messages

   This weekend is either way too short, or I don't have enough Long in my Island Iced Tea...

   Just found out that being a "person of interest" is not as cool as it sounds.

   I guess having a rope tied between two trees in your backyard does not mean you "own your own clothing line".

   I wonder if my life would be better if I wrapped it in bacon?

   I like to consider myself like King Soopers...I too, take pride in the quality of my meat.

   Just found out that Oprah is leaving her show after 25 years. I didn't know that! How in the world could I have missed that? Oh ya, I don't give a crap...

   So, if your wife is looking at job postings and says "Look honey, this one says I have exactly what they are looking for" and you reply "What, big boobs?". That is NOT the right answer...

   Do you think having a fifth of Jack means something different to a cannibal?

   Tonight is a Jim Croce night. I most definitely will be spending some time in a bottle!

   If you LOL and no one is around, do you make a sound?

   If you are ordering Chinese food and ask them for Miso soup, and they are out of it, do they tell you Miso sorry??

   I read where it said that having sex burns 4 calories per minute. I mean come on, are you serious? This has to be worng. How was this ever verified? A WHOLE minute??

   I hate when a singer I can't stand comes out with a song that is UNLIKE them and I like it and don't even realize it is them. Then someone tells me who it is and it ruins the song for me.

   Why when you checkout at a liquor store do they tell you "Have a nice night". Is that not a given?

   I type so badly that my auto-correct feature has a standard response of "WTF?".

   I gave three women Corona's today and not one of them appeared in a bikini! Dang false advertising!!

   I hear the "Occupy Wall Street" movement is headed to Las Vegas. Wow, seems like a pretty big gamble if you ask me.

   Some people don't need an "Easy" button, they need a "STFU" button.

   What the heck do you mean a can of Pringles is not considered ONE serving??!!

   who was the idiot who made umbrella handles out of metal? it is like making a shark bite suit out of meat..