mm Funny Status Messages

   The best gift of all, is freedom and health. Merry Christmas

   Why do atheist celebrate Christmas? Just stop it! You are making yourself look bad.

   I can't wait to have make up sex... I've been arguing with myself all day.

   Saw a guy in a Prius run out of gas... instead of giving him a ride,I sent him positive energy & world peace cause that means more to him.

   Well, the people outside are frightful. And the traffic, is far from delightful. (blocking the intersection) since they got no place to go. people blow people blow people blow...

   What's with everyone calling it "Holiday decorations" back in my day, we called it a little something like Christmas.

   Forget about the past, you can't change it. Forget about the future, you can't predict it. Forget about the present, I didn't get you one...

   Wouldn't it be funny to secretly place a sex toy in someone else's yard sale then stand back and watch the reactions.

   On Facebook, never judge a woman by his profile picture.

   Holding a grudge don't make you strong; it makes you bitter. Forgiving doesn't make you weak; it sets you free.

   I just heard two lesbians arguing. One said "if you ain't cheating" let me smell your mouth...

   It's been said we will see the Bengals in the Super Bowl when hell freezes over... Well, here we go.

   Yes Amazon, I'm still watching. Stop being so insecure.

   Seeking one-night stand... Possibly 2 because I have two lamps.

   People can't go to sleep if any of their phone apps need to be updated, but will drive their car with the check engine light on until it explodes.

   You have four years to fix this country Joe. What are you doing instead? Talking about Trump every single day!

   Get hoarders addicted to crack, they will sell all their stuff...

   You suddenly realize that you're all grown up that moment when you actually pick up the ice cube instead of kicking it under the fridge.

   Let her you care by grabbing anything off the CVS shelf with a heart on it.

   If I share my food with you, its either because I love you a lot, or because it fell on the floor and I don't want it...