m Funny Status Messages

   Every branch is full of hard-working intelligent people that always has our best interest in mind...I love the way our government it run. Are you getting this NSA?

   The tattoos girls lower back should all read; "This Side Up."

   Anyone that eats 6 tacos instead of running will soon be running whether they like it or not.

   Meatless lasagna goes real well with a double cheeseburger.

   I remember when a wasted weekend had absolutely nothing to do with being unproductive.

   The older I get the more use I have for the phrase "bite me."

   My middle finger seems to get more exercise on Monday than any other day of the week.

   You should never fully trust the person who seems to never have to get out of the pool to take a bathroom break.

   If there is a hand on each shoulder, it's not a prostate exam.

   Long Island Iced Tea drinks should be called "Learn to Plank in one evening."

   Every day is "hump day" to my neighbor's dog....get off of my leg you mangy mutt!

   Twinkies are returning to the store shelves which means that people will be renewing their Jenny Craig membership in the very near future.

   Gravity didn't seem this strong twenty-five years ago. :-/

   Monday is like canned spinach...I can can deal with it but I'd prefer something else.

   There's a word for people like you and that word is "leave."

   Chocolate covered raisins are another way to say; "I hate you."

   Pepper spray and a restraining order just takes all of the romance out of the relationship.

   ****Drum roll please****I am glad to announce that today I became a 1 gallon blood donor. Hold your applause because it was not by choice...a mega-swarm of mosquitoes forcibly removed that gallon of blood from me when I accidently wondered int

   If recent events has taught us anything it is that you can never completely trust a Weiner.

   I woke up from a deep sleep to find my very despised ex girlfriend standing at the foot of my bed...she was naked and holding a 12 pack of beer in one hand and a large pizza in the other hand...this works for me.