andrew jackson Funny Status Messages

   I was thinking "how are they going to make a movie with Grumpy Cat, she only has one emotion" but I guess if Kristen Stewart can do it...

   I've been around the block a few times. I forgot where I live.

   Sometimes if I'm alone at night I have this horrible fear that a murderous stranger will break in wearing like, the exact same outfit as me.

   Got hit by a pitch at the batting cage today so I charged the machine.

   It could be worse. Kanye and Kim originally wanted to name the kid Wild Wild.

   I can't believe all these single ladies in my area want to meet me! Must be all the free Ipads I keep winning

   FACT: I've never had a windshield wiper setting that truly satisfied me.

   Whenever I see old men on the beach with metal detectors, it makes me kind of sad. Can't you vultures just let Robocop enjoy his vacation?

   A certain "je ne sais quoi" is a terrible thing to have in a French hospital.

   If a girl is puking I will always hold her hair back. That way I can aim her head and use her as a vomit gun.

   I miss playing Capture The Flag. Adulthood is sad.

   Don't sweat the small stuff. Don't sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty butt elsewhere.

   A fun thing to do when someone asks if there's a doctor in the house is go, "No but there is A FLY MC IN THE HOUSE!" and just start rapping.

   here's to all the kids who have never found their name on anything in a souvenir store

   There are two kinds of people in the world- those I'd catch during a trust fall and those I wouldn't.

   I got all dressed for work and then remembered it's Wednesday and I don't have a job.

   I bet the best day of a "fun" building inspector's life is when a tin roof is rusted

   I want to make sure I got this straight. Ben Affleck as Batman would make Batman unbelievable?

   Chips have little nutritional value. That's why you need to eat the whole bag.

   Whenever I see an old couple holding hands, lost in eachother's eyes, I feel good, because I bet I could totally take them both if I had to.