Unknown comic Funny Status Messages

   Walk up in da club like YAY! I just reached my FitBit step goal!!

   Tomorrow's assignment: end every conversation with "Thank you for teaching me how to love again."

   I like using those "family restrooms" because everyone can sit on the toilet together.

   Diet status: Discovered that a Pringles can fits exactly into the cup holders of my truck today.

   Being a baby seems fun. I mean aside from not being able to lift the weight of your own head. But the eating every 1-2 hours. That seems fun

   I hate when people don't know where "to" put quotation marks.

   The devil you know is better than the devil you don't. Unless the devil you know is Steve "Goat Hooves" Kapinski. That guy's the worst.

   Sorry I'm late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.

   I come from a long line of successful people. I decided to stop that tradition.

   My favorite part about being an adult is thinking about how stupid I was as a child for wishing I was an adult.

   99% of being an adult is basically just not being mean to people you don't like anymore

   Took a quiz "Which Sex and the City character are you?" Turns out I'm the bus driver who splashes Carrie in the opening credits.

   I am strongly opposed to a representational democracy.... AND I VOTE!

   You had me at jello. Oh you said hello. Do you have any jello? No? Why are you doing this to me?

   Truth time: I've been cheating on my diet. With a younger, more attractive diet.

   Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a "runner's high" is.

   WHAT DO WE NOT WANT? -no scrubs! WHERE DO WE NOT WANT THEM? -hangin out the passenger side of his best friends ride

   The heaviest things in the world: 4) iron 3) lead 2) tungsten 1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up

   Sometimes I worry that I'm gonna run out of status material... Then I look around at my family and I'm like, naaa I'm good.

   Hit the hay. Kick the straw. Bodyslam the alfalfa.