The FRED Funny Status Messages

   Duct tape - $3.79, Shovel - $29.99, 50 lb. bag of lime - $14.99, Life without you - PRICELESS.

   Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

   I think the sudden stardom of Justin Bieber marks the beginning of the apocalypse.

   THERE IS A VIRUS SPREADING LIKE WILDFIRE ON FB. DO NOT ACCEPT ANYTHING FROM ANY OF YOUR FRIENDS THAT ASK YOU TO PLAY FARMVILLE. SNOPES JUST CONFIRMED IT WILL CONTROL YOUR LIFE & TURN YOU INTO A LOSER. PLEASE REPOST THIS IN YOUR STATUS.

   sick and is therefore listening to The Cure.

   When I am king, you will be first against the wall, With your opinion which is of no consequence at all.

   I like fat girls, they need lovin' too. Unfortunately most Guys won't repost this.

   My safe word is blueberry pancakes. Whoops! this isn't MySpace.

   Look down ur shirt and spell ATTIC.

   why does ben rothlisberger cry after sex? ... because the pepper spray hurts so much.

   For the Mean girl who cut me off, gave me the finger & rolled down your window just to call me A-hole. Next time you should think before you act. You were pulling into your Driveway. Now you have Egg on your face & your car & your house. =)

   Fat bottomed girls, You make the rockin' world go round.

   How do I set my Lazer Printer to Stun?

   illegal touching, number 7 Offense.

   I'm watching extreme makeover: home edition in an attempt to invoke an emotion response from my cold and numb soul.

   Today is National Facebook Unfriend Day. I hope you make it to tomorrow as my friend. I just want you to know I'm pulling for you.

   like a good neighbor, state farm I there...with halle berry butt naked feeding me peeled grapes!

   My family was too poor to buy hooked on fonics.

   its National Coming Out Day. What ever you do don't take that call from Grandma. Trust Me on this.

   It makes sense that Cain can't recognize these women, since at the time he was pushing their heads down to his crotch.